Memories of mom

On Mother’s Day, my son Matthew found my mom’s eyeglasses while he was emptying an old toy box. As soon as I saw the glasses, memories came flooding back. My mom died 16 years ago this month. All these years later, I still miss her so much. After she died, I missed hearing her voice, holding her hand, laughing with her. What I missed the most  were her hugs. The feeling of having her arms around me. The scent of her hair, her face cream, and her perfume. When Matthew found the glasses, the first thing I did was smell the case. I was hoping to find some of those familiar scents, but it was not to be.

Memories come rushing back

I picked up the faux leather case and stroked the smooth exterior. I vividly remember when she got these glasses. I was at our cottage when she called. It was late fall and temperatures had been steadily dipping. I had been looking forward to a quiet weekend. Cottage plans were always the same: home cooked meals, cozy fireplace, watch movies with the kids, go for a long walk with the family. Every time the phone rang, my chest tightened. I both dreaded and looked forward to her phone calls. Dreaded because I never knew what bad news might be headed our way. Mom had been battling colon cancer for months. It was her second go at this God-awful disease. But, oh how I looked forward to hearing her voice because I knew that these calls were numbered.

She called me up and very excitedly told me that she’d been to see her optometrist and that her eyesight had improved so much that she needed new glasses. I was very surprised because she’d gotten the previous glasses only a few months earlier. How can that be, I asked? That doesn’t seem right. She assured me that Dr. Bastien told her that it was normal and he wrote out a new prescription.

Since she was so happy, I didn’t want to burst her bubble. In the next room, I could hear my kids chatting and laughing. The tv was quietly playing in the background. I sat on the bed and looked at the wall, incredulous. What mom said just didn’t make sense. What did I know? I was no doctor.

A few weeks later, we were back at the cottage when the phone rang again. Mom’s voice faltered. I pressed, what’s wrong? She had been suffering from debilitating headaches. The diagnosis was devastating. The cancer had spread to her brain. It was inoperable. When she told me, I gasped for air. My chest tightened. I told my husband that I needed to go to see mom right away. We’d gotten in the habit of driving up in two cars, just in case I needed to drive to Ottawa to see her. I kissed my kids and husband and set off.

She was a rock

My mom was a rock. She fought cancer with everything she had. This was the most difficult time of my life. While she was in the middle of her illness, other crappy things were happening. We had an electrical fire at home. I also rear-ended someone as I was driving  mom to her chemo appointment. I felt like a black cloud was hovering over my head. I was understandably very stressed. It felt like if I made one wrong move, life would fall apart. However, life didn’t fall apart.

Seeing her glasses brought back all those memories. The phone calls, fear, unbearable sadness, hugs, tears, and anger. Since finding her glasses, I’ve held on to them. I even put them on. Oddly enough, I can use them when I’m working at the computer.

What a thing to experience on Mother’s Day of all days. Even though she’s long departed, mom lives on in my heart. I’m not a sentimental person, but I’m holding on to those glasses. There must have been a reason I came across them on Mother’s Day.